


Sped Off

by Birdfluff



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Depression, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 12:17:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14592855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birdfluff/pseuds/Birdfluff
Summary: He held his tongue because he knew Noctis would either lie again or push him away.And Noctis hated himself for it.





	Sped Off

Drawing air abruptly into his lungs, Ignis sat up straight from his deep sleep. Spots covered his vision as he blinked hard. Whistling wind softly stroked at his surroundings that casually reminded him that he was sleeping in a tent. He looked to his left to see Prompto and Gladiolus sound asleep with their bodies tangled around one enough in a not so elegant way.

That’s when Ignis found himself wide awake. What used to be warm on his right side now laid bare. Before panicking, he peeked outside to see if the prince was out sleeping on one of the folding chairs again.  
Noctis sat close to the fire and Ignis watched him wring out his hands for heat. Sweeping over him, relief eased his pulsing heart. Carefully, he crawled out from the tent and placed himself on the neighboring chair. Noctis cringed from seeing sudden movement out of his peripheral.

Noctis sighed when he saw Ignis, “Oh, it’s just you, Iggy. Wait, did I wake you up?”

“No, I had a vivid dream is all. Did you just get up?” 

“No, no… I’ve been up.”

He laced his fingers together as he gazed solemnly at Noctis. “You were in my arms for a while.”

“Yeah, I was asleep, but I kept waking up. So, I’m out here...”

“I see.” Ignis set his gaze to the campfire. While Noctis had responded, his eyes were trained on his fidgeting hands. Ignis also noticed his knee jumping up and down in a miniscule way ever since Noctis saw him. Guilt surrounded the prince like fog. Ignis hesitated to imagine what he was thinking.

Noctis let out another long exhale through his nose and let himself fall onto the back of the chair. His head drifted upwards to the night sky. Without streetlights, the stars led such brilliant volume, yet Noctis could never appreciate them as much as his adviser beside him. They’re just rocks, he had replied once.   
Ignis had merely shrugged and countered, You’re right, but with all that we’ve seen on this trip, it’s simple to say there’s beauty in everything. Even when they’re not obvious at first.  
Even daemons? Or the ones that spit acid on you?  
Ignis had made an unhappy noise and sighed, Indeed, and they’re the hardest to find beauty in.

He thought to himself that he must be similar to those daemons now. How can he have any beauty in him when he felt this horrible? Noctis wondered why Ignis even bothered at this point.

Meanwhile in the mind of Ignis, the gears were cranking away to figure out the real reason for this situation. There were only a few times Noctis ever stayed out here and it was for one reason: he fell asleep after eating dinner. Somehow, Noctis felt a smile lingered for a moment at the thought of Ignis’ cooking, yet it didn’t feel right and it faded instantly.

Silence wasn’t a bad thing between them. With only hearing the sound of crackling fire, it gave them both time to think. It had already been settled between the two that if there was an odd silence; it was not from a sudden hatred. Noctis knew Ignis and vice versa, they know when the other was off.

Just like right now.

Yet Ignis said nothing.

He held his tongue because he knew Noctis would either lie again or push him away.

And Noctis hated himself for it.

Every time Ignis had an issue, Noctis leaped over hurdles to help him and Ignis was more than happy. When that happens the other way around, the prince clammed up. Without his say-so, Ignis puts a hand on him and guides him out of any situations, like a mother cat carrying her newborn by the scruff. A mumbling thank you and an awkward nudge was his reward. Noctis knew Ignis loved him, yet it hurt his heart to remember that day they confessed, when his adviser faced him dead in his eyes, saying: I don’t want to die without you.

Noctis drew in a sharp breath and held it as he spoke, “Why don’t I help you out tomorrow?”

He watched as Ignis straightened up and gaze at him with aura of astonishment. Ignis blinked, “You are offering your servicing to help me cook?”

“Y-yeah? Why not? I don’t repay you enough.”

Slowly, his adviser gave him the most perfect sleepy smile he had ever seen, “I would adore that, Noct. Thank you.” As he stood, he held his hand out for the prince and with his head gestured back to the tent, “Come, to cook without proper rest is a recipe for disaster.”

Noctis couldn’t help smiling now. Willingly, he got up and let Ignis guide him to the tent. “Sounds delicious, what’s in it?”

“Steamed broccoli--”

“Ew.”

Ignis squeezed his hand. “You can’t hate it if you don’t try it, darling Noct.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Goosebumps sprinkled his back at his little secret pet name. Noctis quickly added in his best Ignis impression, before heading under the tarp, “Luv.”

It calmed him to hear his adviser vainly holding back a cute laugh.

Blackness surrounded him, not from Noctis closing his eyes. His mind engulfed his senses, his dreaming state, and it stifled his whimpering. Only Ignis could feel his body shaking and unconsciously brought him close enough to smell his product stained hair. The gesture stalled his mind but before it disappeared; the voice left Noctis a note that repeated like an echo in a cave that sent what felt like rain pouring down his face.

~~~

“His highness is kinda weird today, isn’t he?” Gladiolus nudged Ignis to have him look over at the said prince. They watched as Prompto dragged him down to the river, pointing at something. It was rare for Noctis to smile, as he claim that it felt awkward; however, now there was a smile. Obviously, his smile inspired Prompto to pull him into more ‘fun’ and conversation than usual. Studying him, Ignis knew that Noctis was bearing something within his mind and trying to drown it with false happiness.

“You know what this means, don’t you?” The bodyguard prodded, his gaze ever stuck on the two.

Ignis merely nodded and hummed.

“What do you think he might try to pull tonight?” When he saw the adviser’s body stone up, he added in a hurry, “shit, I mean, not that I think he might but--”

“Do not console me. I know better than to let my imagination run wild with possible conclusions.”

“... Right.”

“It’s best to wait and see, to know how to act accordingly than to come up with a plan of a changeable future. Yes?”

“Yeah...” Gladio sighed, letting his shoulders fall as he returned to his task of cutting vegetables. “I’m just worried.”

“We all are.”

“Except Prompto.”

“Yes, except Prompto.”

Briefly, a laugh lifted from Gladio’s scarred lips but hardly a happy one, “You should have heard him. He was so happy that Noct was so gracious about everything. ‘He must have a good sleep! I’m happy for him’. Are we ever going to tell him, Iggy?”

“That is not something we can explain because it is not our place. I am waiting until Noct finally feels comfortable to reveal himself to him.”

Gladio scoffed, “Or whenever his royal ass breaks down.”

Whipping his head around, Ignis halted and shot a glare at the bodyguard as he hissed, “Gladio!”

Gladiolus stared at him with scrutiny and took a step back. “... You’re mad about the truth?”

“I-I’m...” He cleared his throat. With his eyes roaming around, his once collected brain raced to think of an answer. It was getting dark, not in light. To his wrists, he wondered if Noctis had ever--

“Hey, hey! Iggy!”

Blinking, he faced Gladio. The light was harsh around him.

As gently as he could, the Tank patted his shoulders. “Noct wouldn’t want you like this.”

“I-I know.” 

“He’ll talk to you. He may be stupid but he’s not that dumb to do anything risky.”

His voice rose sharply, “Don’t call it dumb.”

“What?”

“Don’t call it dumb because you don’t know what it’s like.”

Slowly with narrowed eyes, Gladio removed himself from his side. “Yeah. You’re right. I don’t. You gonna enlighten me then?”

Ignis returned to the pot he was once stirring and glanced back at the remaining party down the hill. With another breath, he kept his voice steady, “They’ll be coming back soon, so I’ll be discreet. To do something risky such as you’re implying is out of fight or flight instinct. When one is scared of something they can’t fight, they run. And when it comes to fear for anyone, logical thinking is not relevant, but instinct is and reveals your true form. Fear is not stupidity.”

Eventually, Gladio broke the tense silence when he saw Prompto and Noctis returned to the campsite. “I think I get it.”

“Good. Toss them in.”

Playing off like normal, the bodyguard obeyed him and set a lively jest over his shoulder, “Hope princey doesn’t gag too much over this.”

“Please don’t tell me…” Noctis whined loudly.

“Come now,” Ignis threw out his voice, “it’s best to stay healthy with a regular diet.”

Prompto cooed behind him, “Do you want me to feed it to you? Here comes the choo-choo traaaiiin~”

“Prompto, stop! That’s weird!”

Ignis cut his eye over at them, gazing at Noctis weakly pushing Prompto’s face and hand away from him. At that moment, his heart fell onto the floor. Air refused to seep into his lips.

~~~

Although difficult, Ignis kept himself awake by fluttering his eyes to focus on the prince beside him. Unprofessional as it was, the adviser knew Noctis was going to try something tonight. His gut agreed with him as he felt it churn with anxiety.   
Knowing he shouldn’t let this physically hurt him, he had reasoned with himself after dinner that he could be overreacting due to worry but nothing calmed him down.   
He could not possibly reason now.

He forced to breath regularly when Noctis carefully moved away from his arms. Ignis listened to him step over his feet and the tent flap flutter.

_Don’t get up just yet._

Ignis waited a few more seconds and steadily crawled to the front to peak out. The seats around the campfire laid empty. Swallowing hard, he met the lukewarm outdoors and whirled around for any sign of him. No trace of him at the river. Not at-- Ignis saw him. The streetlight caught his body. He was going up to the street.

With a blank mind, Ignis followed him. Questions roamed around his mind that his present self did not focus on. He watched his thoughts enter and exit as he edged closer. He certainly wasn’t going to stand out in the road, was he? No one in their right mind would drive at this hour.   
Ignis stumbled. 

The Regalia hummed to life.

On light feet, he trotted until he was behind the parked car. He held his tongue that yearned him to shout. He stared at the prince who sat in the driver seat and saw him flip through the cds.

Noctis breathed deeply. He liked these but nothing satisfied what he wanted. Hell, what did he want anymore? Finally, he mindlessly chose the first FF disk and put it in the slot. His hand fell onto the shift stick.

Noctis found himself staring at the campsite with a blank space in his mind. Realizing that he was shaking, he slammed himself into the seat and beat his head into it. He grabbed his hair and pulled. “What am I doing?! I--” he inhaled and put his hands on the steering wheel. “I’m thinking too hard. Way too hard.” He checked the tank. There was enough gas for his ride. Combing his hair back, he closed his eyes, “Don’t think, just drive. Don’t. Think.”

“Noct?”

The prince froze then quickly defrosted to his body sinking down the void. Leave me alone, echoed on his lips. Leave. Me alone. Please. I want to be alone. I don’t want you here. The words tasted of warm blood. The texture was as coarse as sandpaper.

His ears keen on his target. He heard the passenger door beside him opened and shut. Fabric shuffled. A soft sigh through the nose.

“To drive at this time is unwise, highness.” 

The steerwheel felt like hot iron on his fingers. Of course, he called him highness. With a dry mouth, Noctis answered, “I’m not going to be out long.”

“Then I shall join you.”

“I did this to be alone, Ignis.” He barked.

He knew Ignis was looking at him. He could feel his eyes digging into him with blatant surprise and unmovable determination.

“I’m sorry, but I vowed to keep you safe. If a daemon caught you, I wouldn’t forgive myself.”

“I can handle them.”

“Not on your own.”

“There are a lot of things I have to do on my own, Ignis.”

Ignis frowned. So badly, he wanted to reach over and pull the prince onto his lap and keep him there. “I know.” And I hate it, he wanted to add.

“You can’t always be there, but I know that won’t stop you from trying.” Steel grinded against his teeth that raised the hair on his arms. “You can stay, but don’t talk. Ok? I need quiet.”

Taking his adviser’s silence as a yes, Noctis pulled the Regalia onto the street.

~~~

Thankfully, the prince was not driving recklessly as he had previously thought. The ride was slow going and peaceful; although, Ignis was sure that could not be said for what could be going on inside Noctis’ head. Obeying his highness was troublesome only when Noctis was ordering unhealthy commands such as this. Ignis kept his eyes on the road, overhead, and the driver. 

“Iggy, trust me.” Noctis’ voice sharply rung out with exhaustion, “I got this.”

For a moment, he opened his mouth. It hung agape as he searched Noctis for a sign. From his drooping eyes and sullen frown, Ignis desperately wanted to take him away from his own thoughts. Taking heavy breaths, he squeezed at the cushion under him to console himself. Yet he couldn’t ignore the roaring Magitek Engine bellowing closer.

Fear clawed at his throat and ripped through his stomach to watch the ground before them ripple and birth a blazing sword and the hand of a Red Giant attached to it. 

“Noct!” Ignis strained out.

Unpredictability stained Noctis’ gaze as he shifted gears and stepped on the gas. Even in the dark of closed eyelids, it did not spare him from his other senses. Screaming tires warned him to securely brace himself when his body met the door as the car sporadically whirled back and forth. It pressed him against his seat while they gunned down the road. He willed his eyes to open to unveil that they were not alone on the road. Flames, blinding lights--

“Noooct!!” He screamed again, “Noct, stop the car! Highness!”

Ignis jerked over to see the vacancy in Noctis’ expression. 

A fire burned inside him. His vision consumed with red. “Noctis, please! There’s too many! We have to hide! The Regalia will be totalled if you keep this up!” Ignis grabbed him. “NOCTIS!”

Screeching, the back wheels scrambled for security that caused the Regalia to rapidly spin until the car crashed into the guardrails. The burst of sirens echoing from the steering wheel was their saving grace to vault over the guard railing while the daemons were distracted with the obnoxiously loud noise. Gasping, Ignis refused to stop running so he could shadow Noctis.

He refused to call after him while Noctis led him throughout the patch of trees and towards a giant lake. With his legs screaming, the prince continued into the water until it was up to his knees. He didn’t want to stop. He wanted to keep going until there was water filling his mouth. Cursing himself, he doubled over for air. Now that he was still, his senses crept back to him.   
He could feel tears dripping from his chin and the knot in his throat that begged him to bawl at the top of his lungs. He heard splashing water growing closer towards him.

With fear tormenting his voice, it trembled and planted him there. His voice came out as a shrill. “Stop!”

After another step, the water was still. 

Quiet.

Quiet was different.

It was haunting.

“If you try… If you take one more step… I’ll do it. I’ll sink down and I won’t come back up.”

The picture of Ignis’ face plagued his mind and seeped into his vision. He was sure of it. That Ignis hated him.

“Must you?” Ignis’ voice came, meek and tortured.

His lungs popped. His back lifted up. The flow of tears had burst out like breaking valves. His own voice physically grabbed his head and kicked his stomach to make him scream.   
“What else can I do?!” He gasped, “I never wanted any of this! I was put into this world to be a king and protect! And look at _me_ , Ignis! Look what I’m doing?! My dad never had these problems! He wasn’t diagnosed with anything I’m dealing with right now-- it’s not fair!! I can’t reach everyone’s expectations!” He laughed loudly, to erase the sound of his breaking heart. “Hell, I can barely be myself--and I don’t even know who I am anymore! We had to hide my therapy appointments from the public for a decade, Ignis! And I know why now! The public can’t afford to see that their future king is mentally sick! You know good and well I’d be disowned or put in containment if I broke down in front of that giant crowd!”  
He took in another shaky breath. “... I’m tired of existing, Ignis. Call me selfish, I don’t care. I can’t do what everyone thinks I can do. I’m not stable enough. I can’t save the world like this. And… I already know I have amazing friends like Prompto, Gladio, you--you’re more than that-- but you know what I think? I’ll lose you anyway by… something. We’re all going to die, and I just want mine to be soon.”

Staring into his reflection that rippled from the water rolling off his face, Noctis heaved one more breath before his last words, “So, please, just leave me, ok?”

Quiet.

Quiet was strange.

Like the world ceased to exist for him to breath.

“I will only leave,” Ignis began, “if you stand in front of me.”

Noctis faltered. Biting down on his lips, he fought with his own voice. Damn Iggy. Stupid Iggy. Why can’t he understand. He’ll never understand. Why won’t he let him do anything.   
You’re a pain, Noct. You’re such a pain. Circulation. Food. Sleep. Love. You don’t need it. You don’t get to have anything because of who you are and what you’ve become. Nothing is meaningful. You’re meaningless. 

Iggy doesn’t need this.

...

… 

That may be right… but I’m going to hear him out.

Slowly, Noctis trudged his legs through the chill water to Ignis and kept his eyes downcast until he found his adviser’s reflection.

Water splattered around him before heat struck his core. Strong arms curled around his shivering body and held him firmly against a beating heart. Crashing noises from his own imagination vacuumed from his reality when he inhaled Ignis’ iconic smell of Ebony. Noctis stood there in waiting to hear his own voice bark at him. That was it. There. 

Silence. 

_Their_ silence. 

And it broke him. His own tears drowned his already struggling throat. “I’m sorry!!! I’m so sorry!! holy shit--!! I’m so sor--!”

Feeling hands cupping his face, his mouth paused half open when he saw Ignis’ tender gaze. His thumb briefly stroked his lips before locking them in place. Ignis leaned in and kissed his forehead, then his cheek, his nose… Noctis melted back into his embrace as he focused solely on Ignis. Finally. He felt calm.

His ear, his neck, his shoulder… Ignis nestled his head into his neck and gave him another squeeze.

“My darling Noctis?” echoed in his ear.

“Mmmm?”

“What do you say to… well, ice cream for breakfast?”

Noctis stared at him. “... What?”

“Would that help? Even a little?” He offered a sheepish smile.

Very very slowly, he smiled. “... Specs, that sounds… Yes. B-but I-I still--”

Ignis put a finger to his lips and hushed him. “No need for apologies right now. Focus on ice cream for now… and how funny Prompto and Gladio’s faces are going to look.”

“They’re gonna think you finally lost it.”

“Finally?” Ignis jested, slipping his hand onto Noctis’ waist, “I probably have, already.”

“Yeah, I think you’re long gone.” Noctis let his adviser guide him out of the lake and back towards the Regalia. That shot him. “Shit, I wrecked it, didn’t I?”

“Since it was in the heat of the moment, I forgive you. Don’t panic too much just yet. I’m sure Cindy will be of great assistance in the worst case scenario.”

Noctis leaned into him, setting his gaze downward. “... You always amaze me, you know that?”

“I do hope you’re not saying dehumanizing things about yourself. There are many good qualities that you just need to open your eyes to.”

“Yeah?” He was a far off rock in space, after all. “I believe you.”

A surprised noise came from his adviser that made Noctis smile a bit wider. “Do you?”

“Yep. You’re Ignis. I trust you. You know me better than me. I love you.”

Ignis squeezed his hip and kissed the top of his head. “I love you too.”

The words that came off his tongue were beautiful. They gave his low hanging heart encouragement to beat back in rhythm.


End file.
